


Missing

by Hollow and Merciless (HollowandMerciless)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Forbidden Love, Friendship/Love, Hurts So Good, Love, M/M, Missing in Action, One Shot, One True Pairing, Sad, Sad and Sweet, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 09:37:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14329632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollowandMerciless/pseuds/Hollow%20and%20Merciless
Summary: Levi has gone missing in action six years ago.Eren has been travelling the world since.One day, in a far away country, he meets a fisherman who reminds him of Levi.But the man has never seen Eren before, nor has he heard of titans and the Survey Corps.The story takes place in the AOT universe and contains mild spoilers for Anime-only fans.I'm sorry for writing another sad story.





	Missing

He’s gone missing, they said.

Back at the headquarters, everyone was more or less in shock. The casualties were numerous, and half the survivors were severely injured. How many would still succumb to their injuries, no one knew at that point.

There were memorial services and a new cemetery was erected for the remains of the fallen.

But for him, there was no grave. Only a copper plaque on one of the pillars of the gate leading to the new graveyard. There were always fresh flowers. It was unknown who placed them there.

 

Six years later, Eren and Armin were on the way back from one of their travels around the world. They’d seen fields of ice, plains of sand and many oceans.

‘You have to go back,’ Armin said, referring to Mikasa. ‘You know she misses you terribly.’

It took Eren a few moments to reply. ‘I don’t miss her.’

‘You’re travelling the world to get away from her.’

‘No. I want to feel free. No walls.’

‘So she’s a wall to you. She makes you feel caged.’

‘Shut up, Armin.’ Eren always told Armin to hold his tongue when he reached the truth too closely. ‘You go home, if you like. I’m staying here for a while. I’ll catch up in a month or so. Tell her I’m on my way.’ He was in no hurry to go home.

Instead he wandered about in a country with a cool climate and sandy beaches, forests in the distance and a tiny town here and there, mainly at the coast. He stayed in a cheap inn and mingled in with the locals, listening to their stories, watching their habits, their unusual clothing, enjoying their exotic food. Most of them were fishermen or fish sellers, and especially the harbour was a lively place. He preferred the company of old men, since they had the best stories, and joined them watching the boats come in.

Women and children appeared from their houses, ready to help unload the catch, and within a few minutes the harbour was filled with their bright voices and the smell of fish.

He watched them without feeling the need to offer help; the fishermen, the women, the children – he was no part of their society nor would he ever be. He simply enjoyed the freedom of being able to meet different peoples, visiting new countries – the joy of no longer being locked up in a cage.

The fishermen, their arms bare because, because apparently in their climate this applied to a warm day, worked hard to get their catch on land, others pushing the boats back after unloading.

One of the elderly men sitting next to him on the quay wall was talking about how back in the days they used to catch much more fish and unloaded it from their better maintained ships without the help of women or children. He was only half listening, smiling wryly at the thought how everything used to be better – in his view things were now better than before.

One of the fishermen caught his eye. _No. That can’t be._ A lean, dark-haired man was unloading his catch, lifting baskets full of fish over the bow onto the quay as if they weighed nothing. _No._ He couldn’t take his eyes off the man. _Impossible._ His chest suddenly ached and he averted his face from the boats. _No. It’s been six years. It can’t be._ He looked again, but didn’t see the man again.

That night, back in the tavern, he took his notebook and wrote down what he’d seen.

_I now realise I’ve been looking for you all over the world._

His hand, holding the pen, stopped moving halfway a word.

 _Of course it wasn’t you. You’re dead. But still, the thought of that man being you made my heart ache just as badly as when hearing the news about your fate, that day._ He put away his pen and closed the notebook, after which he went to bed, but he was unable to sleep.

The next morning, he went straight to the harbour, only to find all the boats gone. _Of course, they’re still at sea._ He spent the day wandering around impatiently, spending most of his time away from the shore, exploring the inlands, where farmers bred their cattle and grew their crops. In the afternoon, he took the train back to the coast town. The toiling train slowly crept up the hills that separated the coast from the interior, indifferent to his impatience. He was mildly infuriated as the train entered the station, and got off in a hurry, almost running to the harbour.

He recognised the boat before noticing the man himself; it was the only boat with fresh paint. His heart skipped a beat as the fisherman appeared from the hull, carrying a heavy basket without any effort, despite his petite build. _It’s him._ His legs felt like pudding as he watched him unloading the fish. A woman appeared, and the man looked down on her, apparently recognising her and handing one of the baskets over to her. She almost collapsed from the weight, and before he knew what he was doing, Eren rushed over to her, helping her carry the baskets.

‘Thank you,’ she said, but he didn’t respond, soaked up by what his eyes saw; the man who had gone missing six years ago.

‘Captain!’ he yelled, making the man look up from his work.

Eren’s heart skipped a beat when their eyes met. His eyes were the same. His looks were the same. His voice was even the same. But something was off. ‘Stop that. Let her do it.’

‘What?’

‘Go away. I can’t afford to hire you.’

 _He doesn’t recognise me._ ‘I don’t need money. I just want to help you.’

‘Whatever. Just don’t expect anything in return.’

‘It’s okay,’ Eren said, hiding his feelings. ‘Let me just help. Those baskets are way too heavy for her.’ He looked at the woman and added: ‘He’s incredibly strong. You’re no match for him.’

He caught every basket the captain threw his way, placing them on the quay carefully. After that, he gave the boat a push as the captain turned on the engine, putting it in reverse to exit the quay.

‘He’ll be back shortly,’ the woman said. ‘...I assume you want to wait for him?’

‘Not necessarily,’ Eren lied as he walked off.

He went to a nearby beach which he knew was deserted at this time of day, and sat in the sand until the high tide nibbled at his toes. By that time, he was still uncertain what to do. He put his shoes back on and went back to the harbour, trying to catch a glimpse of the captain.

A glimpse is all he got indeed. He almost missed him at the crowded harbour, swarming with people buying and selling fish, but his pace and posture were unmistakable. Eren followed him from a distance. He turned corners and ended up in a narrow street with small white houses, far from the sea, but on top of the hill, high above town. The captain opened one of the doors and went in.

Eren followed him and knocked.

‘You again. I told you I have no work for you.’ He was about to close the door.

‘Captain...’ _He really doesn’t know who I am._ ‘I thought I recognised you from somewhere,’ Eren said. ‘I must have mistaken you for someone else. An old friend. I’m sorry.’ There was a lump in his throat and he wanted to leave.

Something shifted in the captain’s eyes. ‘You’re not from here.’

‘No.’

‘And there you were, thinking you finally found your friend, after travelling half the world.’

‘You... he was not my friend.’ Eren swallowed, closing his eyes for a second. _I can’t tell him the truth._ ‘He was my captain.’

‘Ah. So that’s why.’ He seemed to consider something. ‘I’m sorry I’m not the one you’re looking for.’

Eren walked down the streets back to the tavern. The setting sun painted the white houses golden, but he was indifferent to the beauty. _Now what?_ he thought. _Leaving him here in this life where he seems to be content enough? Rejoicing in the fact that he’s still alive? Or trying to help him get his memory back?_

He made a decision and the next day he invited the captain for a drink. He agreed reluctantly, mumbling about having many things to do, but not planning to refuse a free drink. The weather was excellent, even to Eren’s standards. It felt like a mild spring day, although it was summer in this part of the world. They sat outside a pub, sharing a bench while enjoying the sea view.

‘Well, traveller, tell me about what you’ve seen from the world,’ the captain said, and Eren told him of what he’d seen, the many countries he’d visited, the different peoples, landscapes and climates. But in reality, he didn’t want to tell his own stories, he wanted to hear the captain’s.

‘I thought I’d seen my share of the world,’ the captain said. ‘Sometimes sailing so far off the mainland I could see the other islands in the distance. But that’s nothing compared to you. What are you? A sailor? You called me captain earlier but I’m hardly a captain. I’m a fisherman who’s fortunate enough to possess his own boat.’

‘I was in the military,’ Eren said. ‘The man I mistook you for was my captain.’

A long silence followed upon those words. The captain stared at the sea, frowning, and sipped from his drink. _Does that finally ring a bell?_ He gazed at the man next to him, so dearly missed for all those years, so familiar. _He hasn’t changed a bit. Except for his memories._ He felt like touching him, embracing him and pulling him close. _I missed you so much, and now all I found is an empty shell._

‘I can’t imagine what that’s like,’ the captain said. ‘Our country is not familiar with war. All I do is sail and catch fish, day in, day out. There’s peril at see as well, but on a totally different level. I only fight the elements. And boredom, most of the time.’ He turned his head and saw Eren’s gaze, and something shifted in his own eyes. ‘...Do I look that much like your captain?’

Eren nodded, speechless for a second. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t bother you...’

‘It’s okay, brat. That man must have been some father figure to you I’m sure.’

Eren gasped and averted his face. When he looked up, the captain had risen from the bench. ‘I have to go,’ he said. ‘But we can have a drink or two some other time. I don’t mind, if meeting with me helps you get over his death. See you... what was your name again?’

‘Eren.’

‘See you, Eren.’

_Only he says my name like that._

The following days, Eren went to the harbour as soon as the fishing boats came in, helping the captain unload his catch. After that, he got on the boat and helped the captain clean it. ‘I can’t pay you for your help,’ the captain said, but Eren insisted he didn’t care for a reward. He wanted to build trust and the beginning of a new friendship, hoping the memories would return some day. _And then take you back home, where you belong._

Eren was not entirely surprised when after a couple of days the captain invited him to go fishing with him. ‘Just be on time. I won’t wait.’

They didn’t speak much, but it felt like old days when they were working on the boat together. Eren naturally knew what was expected of him, knowing how to read the captain’s body language, and the captain seemed content with both his help and his company. Fishing was waiting, most of the time, so they spent a vast amount of time on board to maintenance. Now and then he caught a glimpse of the old captain, which made him incredibly happy, but most of the time he was just a stranger with the captain’s looks.

‘How long are you planning to stay?’ the captain asked one day, mending his nets.

 _Until you remember who you are,_ Eren thought. ‘I never plan ahead. I need to feel free.’

‘Come over to my house tomorrow night,’ he said. ‘Have a drink. You’re always the one treating me.’

He arrived in time, the white houses bathing in golden sunlight again, and knocked on the door.

A woman opened it.

‘Oh... I’m sorry, I think I’m mistaken.’ He glanced at the doors of the adjacent houses, which were all equal.

‘No, you’re not. He told me you were visiting tonight. Please come in.’

He followed her in, his heart beating heavily as he was trying to suppress the very thought he didn’t want to be true. _No, no, no... please no._

There he was, at his table, apparently a bit uncomfortable in this homey environment. He got up as Eren entered the room and shook his hand. ‘Welcome. I won’t show you around, it isn’t much, but you have to come outside with me. The view is amazing.’ He led Eren to the backdoor and showed him a log to sit on, which granted a view over the city on the slopes and the sea behind it. ‘I can even keep an eye on my boat from here.’ He went back in and returned with two drinks.

‘I didn’t realise you had a wife,’ Eren finally managed to utter. His voice sounded as if it could break any moment.

‘Lida,’ the captain said. And then, curiously, he glanced at Eren.

Eren just stared at the sea. _He has a wife. I can’t take him away from her. I’ll have to leave him here._

‘Something bothering you, brat?’

‘I envy your view,’ Eren said. ‘It’s as magnificent as you said.’

‘I think you’re homesick. You’re not the one I’ve come to know since you stepped into my house. You don’t have a home of your own, do you? You’re a wanderer.’

 _Does he remember?_ Eren thought, against better knowledge. ‘My parents died when I was a kid,’ he said. ‘I never really had a home.’

‘I don’t remember much from when I was young,’ the captain said. ‘All I remember is fishing, as if I’ve never done anything else.’

‘How long ago did you and... Lida... meet?’

‘You should ask her. Like I said, I don’t have a great memory.’

‘Maybe I will.’

And so he did. The next day, when the ships were at sea, he went to the captain’s house and knocked until Lida opened the door. Only now he realised it was the same woman who’d helped the captain unload the baskets from his boat the first time.

‘I have to ask you some questions.’

‘I know. Come in.’

She was nervous, he could tell that. She was wringing her hands and kept walking around the small, tidy room. ‘I’ve always been afraid this moment would come.’

‘What moment? What do you know?’

‘His past overtaking him eventually. You do know him from his former life, don’t you? I saw it the first time you called him. The look of disbelief in your eyes.’ She was on the brink of crying.

‘Tell me everything.’ He felt cold inside, unable to show empathy to this woman.

She sat down on one of the chairs around the table and invited him to do the same, which he refused. ‘I’m a nurse.’ She tried to hide her shaking hands. ‘Six years ago I was working at the lazaret. He was brought in, badly injured. He was one of the enemy, but that didn’t make a difference to us. We treated them in order of severity.’ She paused for a few moments. ‘I... I stayed with him because I thought he was going to die. I held his hand.’ She seemed to feel embarrassed, as if somehow, on an unconscious level, she realised who she was talking to. ‘But he survived. Against the odds.’

‘He’s incredibly strong,’ Eren said.

She closed her eyes for a second. ‘Yes. We never thought... no one with such injuries... he healed faster than we expected.’

_Of course. He’s an Ackerman._

‘I stayed with him... I thought he was special, in a way. Although he was one of the enemy, he never said anything ugly about us. Only later we realised he suffered from amnesia and didn’t remember anything from his previous life. Not even his name.’

‘His last name?’

‘His entire name... If you will... could you... please tell me his real name?’

 _I’m not sure about that._ ‘He’s gone missing six years ago. There’s a memorial plaque for him at the cemetery. He was my captain.’

‘His name... please.’

‘Did you tell him he used to be in the military?’

‘N-no.’

‘You told him nothing?’

‘He suffered from amnesia...’

‘That is not an excuse. You had no right to take him here. You knew where he belonged. And that’s not in this country.’

‘It was too late.’

‘Too late for what?’

‘He... as he recovered... I stayed with him. We spent much time together. It was only natural he’d come with me.’

‘It was not. You should have sent him back to where he belongs.’

‘Are you going to take him away from me?’ She sounded really worried now.

‘That’s not up to you or me,’ Eren sighed. ‘Don’t you think? It’s his life, and it will be his decision.’

‘He’s happy here,’ she said. ‘He doesn’t remember anything. You can’t just take him with you to your island. He can’t get used to another life. He wouldn’t want to leave...’

‘...you?’

She shook her head, droplets from her eyes landing on the tabletop. ‘Go away. Go away! I never want to see you again. And stay away from him too.’

 _You have no idea what I’m capable of,_ Eren thought sadly. He left without a word.

 

The next day he took the train to the capital.

 

‘Eren,’ the captain said a week or so later. ‘I haven’t seen you in a while.’

‘I’d like to sail with you today,’ Eren said.

‘Hop on.’

The sea was dark and quiet, reflecting the stars and moon.

‘I’ll be returning home shortly,’ Eren said as the town slowly disappeared in the darkness behind them.

‘I thought so. Lida told me you ran into her in town and said you wouldn’t come back. I wondered if you’d left already.’

‘I can’t leave without saying goodbye to you.’

‘Listen, Eren...’ the captain glanced at him from behind the helm. ‘I know why you like spending time with me and I’m not objecting since you’re a useful brat... but I’m not that person.’

Eren shook his head. _She really never told him anything._

‘I do like how you keep calling me captain, though.’ He suddenly smiled, patting the hull. ‘The captain of my own old fishing boat.’

‘Levi,’ Eren said.

‘What did you say?’

‘Levi. That’s my captain’s name. Levi Ackerman.’

The captain didn’t reply, but kept his eyes on the horizon, although Eren could see his frown deepening. ‘There’s fish over there,’ he said. ‘Look.’

The water seemed to live where the sardines broke through the surface, the moonlight reflecting like millions of diamonds. The captain turned off the engine, allowing the boat to quietly sail towards the fish. Eren knew not to speak now or make any sound at all. The nets quietly moved through the water as the boat glided over the school of fish. As the nets grew heavier, the boat slowed down and the two men hurried to get the heavy nets inside. They worked together as naturally as ever, which made Eren feel empty inside.

The slippery fish, still wriggling and jerking, fell into the hold as they opened the nets above the hatch. The captain adjusted a grappling hook, but stepped on a fish in the darkness, slipped and fell into the hold.

‘Levi!’ Eren yelled, just in time to grab his arm.

With his help, he captain crawled back on the deck, covered in slimy, silvery scales. ‘How I hate this filth,’ he growled. ‘Thanks brat. But don’t call me that name again.’ He carefully touched the back of his head.

‘Let me see.’ Eren took the lantern from the cabin and checked for blood or swelling. ‘Just a bruise I think. Are you okay?’

‘Of course. I’ve been through worse.’

They found more fish that night and returned late in the afternoon with a heavy ship. Eren helped him unload the fish, carefully keeping an eye on him, but he showed no discomfort from his injury.

After docking the boat, both were about to go their own way. ‘Before I forget,’ Eren said. ‘I bought you something while I was in the capital.’ He took a package from his bag, a small box about the size of a hand.

‘A goodbye gift?’

‘No. I’ll be back tomorrow. I’m a bringer of good fortune. You’ve never caught this much fish before.’

‘Don’t brag. It had nothing to do with you.’ The captain opened the present. It contained a dark green tin box. He opened the lid and smelled the black leaves. ‘But this is...’

‘I thought you’d like it.’

‘How did you know?’

‘A lucky guess,’ Eren said. ‘See you tomorrow.’

 

‘I may be wrong,’ the captain said the next morning, while sailing his boat south to the fishing grounds, ‘but I think your captain died with an unpaid debt. A debt you owed _him.’_

‘What makes you think so?’ Eren, trying to braid two ropes into one, struggled to see what he was doing by the faint light of the lantern.

‘Your help. Your present. It all feels like paying a debt to me.’

‘Don’t worry, I’m not like that. I just...’ he sighed. ‘But in a way, you’re right. I like your company because you remind me of him.’

‘He must have meant a lot to you.’

‘More than you can imagine.’

‘But I’m not him.’

 _You are. You just don’t know it._ He got up and went to the bow, where he sat down, looking out over the dark water. _But_ _I don’t want to force the truth upon you._

‘Look out for fish while you’re up there,’ the captain said. A few minutes later, he came to Eren, carrying two cups. ‘Have some yourself too,’ he said.

‘Tea,’ Eren said, smelling the delicate scent. Somehow it made him feel a little less miserable.

‘You know...’ the captain sat down on a pile of rope. ‘When I tasted this, yesterday evening... I was rather confused.’ He sipped from the warm drink. ‘I must have had tea before, but I know I can’t afford it.’

Eren’s heart started beating a little faster.

‘I think... maybe... but it can’t be.’ He inhaled deeply. ‘It wasn’t a lucky guess, was it, Eren? Buying me tea?’

Eren said nothing.

The captain stared in the distance, to the line where heaven and sea touched. He palmed his brow. ‘I’ve slept terribly last night.’

 _You never slept well,_ Eren thought.

‘I remember nothing,’ the captain continued. ‘Nothing except the fishing. Day in, day out.’ He glanced at Eren. ‘And then you show up, buying me tea, and suddenly I remember the taste of tea.’

‘Isn’t there anything else?’

‘Like what?’

‘Me.’

The dark sky was turning grey in the east, and Eren could see the captain’s eyes mirroring it, the same colour, the same depth. Levi avoided Eren’s eyes, and kept staring in the distance. ‘I’m sorry, brat,’ he said after a long silence.

‘Erwin.’

The captain shook his head.

‘Hanji.’

‘Is that a name or a place?’

‘She’s our commander.’

‘Sorry. Never heard of.’

‘Kenny,’ Eren said. ‘Your uncle.’

‘I have no family, except for my wife.’ He exhaled, shaking his head. ‘I want you to stop this, Eren. You’re hurting yourself. And me.’

‘You’re right,’ Eren said. ‘You have no idea how much this hurts.’

They stayed at sea all day, without any attempt to catch fish, or to talk further about the subject. Each sat on one end of the boat, lost in pondering.

 

Eren went to the inlands again, and stayed for a few days, offering his help at a diary farm. _I can’t keep running away,_ he thought on the fourth day. _I have to go back._

He embarked on the captain’s boat as if nothing had happened. It was pitch dark and a cold wind caused waves, crashing against the bow. Eren and the captain were in the cabin together, the captain at the helm and Eren on the lookout for fish. There was no need to talk about the reason for Eren’s absence.

‘Eren.’ That was the first thing the captain said after two or three hours on the ship. ‘Open that box.’ He gestured at a worn wooden box in the corner. It hadn’t been there before, so Eren opened it curiously, expecting food or fishing gear. Instead there was dark textile, and when he held the lantern closer, he saw the darkness was caused by dried bloodstains. He trembled as he lifted it, knowing what it was before he took a good look at it. On the back of the stained cloth was the embroidered wings of freedom sign, the white wing now the colour of rust and the other one black.

‘You know what that is,’ the captain said.

‘It’s your cloak,’ Eren whispered.

‘Lida kept it all those years. She knew, Eren. She’s known it all the time, and she never told me anything.’

‘Levi...’ Eren uttered, and he got up, dropping the cloak and putting his arms around Levi, for the first time in six years. Levi allowed him, resting his head against Eren’s chest, not even objecting to the tears falling into his hair, maybe because he was crying himself too. 

‘I made her tell me everything she knew,’ Levi said after a while, ‘but it didn’t ring a bell. So I want you to tell me everything _you_ know.’ He released himself from Eren’s embrace and took the helm in his hands again. The wind had worsened and the waves were now crashing onto the deck. And in that storm, while the captain sailed south, Eren told him everything. He filled the voids in the captain’s memory, until, around sunset, he finally started remembering things himself.

‘Wait, the tall guy, Mike, wasn’t it? There was something about his nose. Am I right?’

‘Yes, absolutely,’ Eren said, happy to have broken the spell. ‘He used to sniff everyone and smirk afterwards. But he was also able to smell titans approaching.’

‘Filthy giants,’ Levi said. It was as if the darkness in his memory was now lit by the rising sun. More and more recollections appeared, but he didn’t seem to remember Eren.

‘I don’t want to have to tell you,’ Eren said. ‘I want you to find out for yourself.’

‘I was your captain, I know that much. But I don’t remember you, or what you did.’

‘It will come back, I’m sure.’

It didn’t, though, but that didn’t influence Eren’s happiness. The man with him on the boat was Levi, and now admitted he was Levi, and even _remembered_ he was Levi.

 

They went to the sea together every day. Levi remembered more and more details from his past; people, places, incidents, battles. Eren was happy to see him come back to life and although there was still no sign of Levi remembering Eren, their friendship continued naturally where it had ended six years ago.

‘It feels like we’ve known each other for years,’ Levi said on a rainy day, while heaving the nets in, suddenly realising they _did_ know each other longer than the couple of weeks they’d been fishing together. He glanced at Eren, granting him a rare smile, but frowned abruptly and became quiet afterwards.

He didn’t explain himself until much later, on their way back, shy and reluctant. Eren was at the helm, navigating the ship north, but Levi insisted he sailed west for a while.

‘I don’t want to reach home before I’m done talking,’ he said as an introduction. He raised his hand, touching Eren’s hair. ‘Eren.’

Eren briefly closed his eyes. _Don’t hurt me like this._

‘Turn off the engine,’ Levi said. ‘There’s hardly any wind, just the swell. We won’t get adrift.’

The rain drizzled upon the cabin’s roof as they sat down together.

‘I didn’t see it until your hair was wet. You pushed it back, and finally I recognised you.’

Eren stared at the floor.

‘I suddenly saw the boy you used to be.’

‘It’s been six years,’ Eren whispered.

‘You’re an adult now. I didn’t realise...’ Levi paused for a moment. There were no other sounds but the water sloshing against the hull, and the steady rain on the roof above them. ‘Everything came back instantly. I... I had to process all of it. It’s too much, it... I’m _married_ , for f*ck’s sake. Damn it. Damn it all.’ He put his arm around Eren’s back and pulled him closer. ‘Damn her, for not telling me.’

‘Don’t...’ Eren said, torn apart, but he couldn’t finish his words, because Levi’s lips were on his; greedy, needy, ravenous. No words were necessary for what came next. Levi, finally freed from the prison of memory loss, took back what had been taken from him six years ago, and Eren was more than willing to give it to him.

Afterwards, they lay on Eren’s coat together, almost falling asleep and enjoying each other’s presence and warmth, welcoming the mild pain which proved they were truly together again.

‘I missed you so much,’ Eren said. ‘I was dead inside, all those years.’

‘Hush,’ Levi said. ‘I’m here now.’

_But you have a wife. And I know how you think about duties and commitments. You’ll never leave her._

They made love once more before setting off to the coast.

 

Eren had no idea how long this could go on without Lida finding out. They returned more often than not without any fish, busy as they were with making up for six lost years. Eventually she started complaining to her husband about his declining earnings, and when one day she came to the harbour, discovering Eren still present, even working for him, she exploded in anger. ‘You’re ruining everything!’ she shrieked. ‘My life, my marriage! We’re fighting all the time! Why did you have to come looking for him? Why did you come here? Why couldn’t you just leave us alone? We had a good life, frugal but happy, until you arrived! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?’

‘Lida,’ Levi said. ‘Hold your tongue. Everyone is looking at you.’

‘I don’t care! Everyone is allowed to know how that monster ruined everything!’

Levi took her arm and lead her away from the crowd.

 _She’s right. It’s all my fault. I was selfish. He was perfectly happy in this life. I had no right to mess with that. I should have returned home as soon as I found out he’s alive and well._ He docked the boat and stayed on board, like he always did, sleeping in the cabin until it was time to set off for the fishing grounds. He thought about leaving, and felt his heart break into pieces imagining the rest of his life without Levi. _I’ve said goodbye once already. I’m not sure I can handle a second time._ He wept like a child.

 

He woke up from a hand on his shoulder. ‘Eren,’ Levi said.

‘Captain,’ Eren mumbled, still drowsy.

‘You have to keep a low profile for a while. Just stay on the boat and don’t show yourself in the harbour.’

‘She told you to send me away.’

‘I...’ Levi sighed deeply. ‘I can’t leave her.’

‘Do you love her?’ Eren knew he had to ask.

‘Of course. I wouldn’t marry a woman I don’t love.’

‘But?’

‘There’s no but. I found myself entangled in a love triangle and at this point I don’t know what to do about it.’

 _Of course I hoped you loved me more than you ever loved her, but I’m naive as ever._ He tried to hide his tears from the captain.

‘Hey,’ Levi kissed his tears away. ‘Don’t cry. I’m not worth crying over.’

‘Stop kissing me,’ Eren said. ‘Stop doing all those things to me. I can’t...’

‘I know.’ Levi lay down on the floor next to Eren, his fingers fumbling for Eren's hand. ‘I know, brat. What a terrible situation we found ourselves in.’

 

Summer ended and autumn arrived, with dropping temperatures, increasing wind and rain-filled clouds.

‘Listen, Eren,’ Levi said one day, on their way back. ‘I want you to book a room in that tavern of yours.’

‘Why?’

‘For once I want to sleep in a real bed with you.’ He reached out and pulled Eren close for a kiss. ‘Instead of this cold hard floor.’

Eren smiled quietly. They’d made love on the deck floor all the time without ever noticing their surroundings.

As soon as they entered the harbour, Eren hopped off the boat and went straight to the tavern, where he booked a room for the night. He had dinner and waited for Levi to arrive, but he didn’t show up until just after midnight.

‘Lida can’t know,’ he said as he embraced and kissed his lips. ‘I had to wait until she slept.’

‘You’re here now,’ Eren said, and after that there was only the sound of their moans and kisses, and the creaking of the bed.

 

Eren woke up in an empty bed. He immediately knew something was off. ‘Levi,’ he whispered, but there was no answer. It was still dark and the wind made the shutters squeak. _Did he go back home after all?_ It didn’t feel right, not after everything they’d done that night, all the words that were spoken, the promises they’d made. _He said he loved me._ He got up, unable to sleep anymore. _He said he loved me more than he’d ever loved her._ He closed the door behind him and went out, to the boat, where Levi should be arriving anytime soon as well. The wind pulled his coat and hair, and he could see the white lines of breaking waves in the distance.

His heart sunk to his stomach when he found the dock empty. _He left without me._ ‘Levi!’ The waves didn’t answer and a gush of wind almost blew him off the pier. He searched the horizon, convinced the boat couldn’t have sailed far yet, but the darkness was too dense and on top of that it started raining. He stood there for who knows how long until reality sank in. _He knew a storm was coming and he wanted me to be safe._

Only a few of the other fishing boats left the harbour that day. Eren spent the hours waiting nervously, worried sick about Levi. The storm was now raging over the coast, uprooting trees and damaging roofs. No sane individual would go outside, except for that one lanky young man who stood on the pier all day, soaking wet from the rain, leaning in to the wind. Noon had long passed, and the sun, briefly visible between the passing clouds, was already sinking when at the horizon the shape of a fishing boat appeared. Eren raised from his crouching position, his heart beating faster although he couldn’t be certain yet. _Let him be safe. Please, Levi, come home safely._

As the boat approached the coast, Eren recognised it as one of the other boats. He cursed internally.

One by one, until after sunset, the few boats that had taken the risk of fishing in the storm came in. But not Levi’s. Eren was numbed by the cold rain, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave the pier. _Please, Levi, be alive. I can’t bear the thought of losing you again._

‘Why did he go out in this storm?’ a female voice said. It was Lida, and she’d unmistakably been crying. ‘Why didn’t you stop him?’

‘He never told me,’ Eren said, his teeth chattering. ‘I would have stopped him if I knew.’

They stood in silence for more than an hour, the wind howling around them, until Lida decided to go home. ‘I want you to tell me immediately if he returns.’

‘Of course,’ Eren said. He waited until darkness fell without Levi’s boat appearing.

With a heavy heart he returned to his room at the inn, getting into the bed that still smelled like Levi, promising himself he would not cry until he was certain of what had happened to Levi. He failed.  

 

Two days passed. The storm had left a trail of destruction, and the aftermath brought bright, cold weather. There was no sign of Levi’s boat.

Eren took the coast train and followed the path of the storm, in order to visit every possible place where Levi’s boat could have stranded, but after two weeks he still hadn’t found any trace. He felt devastated. _I can’t bear losing you twice. And this time for good._

He went back to Levi’s town and climbed the hill to his house. He knocked. Lida opened the door.

‘I’ve searched the entire coast,’ he said.

‘You’ve lost weight,’ she said.

‘So did you.’

‘Come in.’

They stood in front of each other in the small room, both on the brink of bursting into tears. Lida was the first one to break, and she reached out and embraced him, and he embraced her because she was the only person in the world who understood his grief. 

Eren left that very day. He took his scarce belongings and left the country.

 

 

 

 

 

**Epilogue**

It was going to be a long way back to his home, but he knew time wouldn’t diminish his grief. This feeling was far worse than what he’d suffered six years ago. The thought of having to tell his friends he lost him a second time made him decide to never go home again. He’d keep wandering the world until he dropped dead somewhere.

_And the first place where I’ll be going is that island he was never able to reach._

He embarked on a cargo ship and offered his services in return for free passage, assuring the boatswain he’d served on a fishing boat for months. He worked harder than the other sailors, and he knew they were joking and gossiping behind his back, but spare time was the last thing he needed right now. The nights were the worst.

After four days they reached the island. The weather was warmer here, and the island was greener than the mainland in the north. He found a place to sleep in a coastal town and started exploring the island the next day. It was larger than he expected and it took him five days to round it, but it lacked any beauty. _Well, don’t worry about never reaching this place, Levi,_ he thought. _You didn’t really miss out much._

He discovered more islands, farther south, and, restless as he was, decided to sail there as well. The second island was uninhabited, but the third gave home to a tiny population in a coastal village. It had a lush and appealing feel, but he was still grieving too much to really see it. Lost in thought, he walked the pebble beaches, trees high above him looking down on him from the cliffs. His feet were bare and aching from the stones, but he didn’t care about pain. Any distraction from his mourning was a welcome one. He didn’t really look where he was going either and simply kept the sea to his right.

Something made him look up, however, and what he saw made him tremble first, shake after and fall on his knees the next moment. On the beach in front of him lay a boat he knew too well, undamaged and in fresh paint. Unable to grasp what his eyes saw and unable to get up, he crawled forward. Something moved behind the boat and a man appeared, dressed in rags and with a jar of paint in his hand, which he dropped as he recognised the man on the beach.

‘Eren!’ His voice, so unexpected, so welcome, so longed for. He ran to Eren, falling on his knees in front of him and embracing him with his strong arms. ‘You made it. I knew you’d come looking for me on the islands.’ He cupped Eren’s face and kissed his tears away. ‘I knew it.’

Eren was unable to speak, unable to believe. He allowed Levi to pull him on his feet and lead him to the boat, almost in shock and feeling as if he was dreaming.

‘Is it really you?’ he kept asking. He touched Levi’s face, his hair, his hands, and shook his head in disbelief. ‘Why?’

‘I’m so sorry you had to go through this,’ Levi said, holding his hands. ‘It was the only way.’

‘You should have told me...’

‘I could have easily failed. It turned out to be the worst storm I’ve ever seen.’

‘Then why did you sail alone?’

‘It was too dangerous. I wanted to protect you.’

‘You left me!’ Eren pushed him away. ‘I thought you were dead... _again_! _’_

‘I did it for Lida.’

Eren looked puzzled. ‘She’s mourning you too.’

‘I know. But now that I’m lost at sea, she’ll get a widow’s pension. There wouldn’t have been anything for her if I’d just left her.’

‘You set it all up,’ Eren said. ‘Without telling me. You could at least have...’

‘No.’

Eren got up, almost sick of what Levi told him, the happiness of their reunion soiled with disgust over what he’d done. ‘NO?’

‘That was the hardest part for me. To keep you ignorant. Your grief had to be real.’

‘You used me... my grief, my pain... for her benefit?’

‘What else could I do? Eren, tell me. Do you see any other options? From the moment I got my memories back, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to leave her. I was never really hers. She was married to a ghost. A fantasy. I belong to you.’

‘This is so wrong,’ Eren said, walking away. ‘So wrong, Levi. You hurt the two people who love you in the most painful way.’

‘Eren!’

He walked off, away from the boat, from Levi. His entire existence felt numb and dark, and he just walked and walked, keeping the sea to his right, until the sun went down. He sat down on the pebbles, hugging his lower legs, his head resting on his knees.

He wasn’t surprised to hear footsteps approaching, but didn’t look up. Levi sat down next to him and put his arm around his back.

‘I had to do this myself,’ he said. ‘It was my decision.’

Eren closed his eyes, remembering what he’d told Lida the first time he’d met her. _It’s his life, and it will be his  decision._

‘I knew I’d hurt you,’ Levi continued. ‘And her. I take full responsibility for that.’ He leaned in to Eren, pulling him closer. ‘I won’t deny you your anger. Ignore me. Punch me. Leave me if you want. But don’t ever forget I did all this to be able to go home with you. To spend the rest of our days together.’

‘It was cruel,’ Eren said, his voice feeble. ‘I understand why you chose to do it this way, but it was cruel nonetheless.’ He finally raised his head, looking into Levi’s eyes in the dying light. ‘I was so worried, Levi. I spent all day on the pier, looking out for your ship. You could at least have left me a note or something...’

‘I thought you’d understand,’ Levi said. ‘The room we booked. The things I told you that night.’

Eren sat in silence for a while. ‘In hindsight,’ he said eventually. ‘Yes, you dropped a few hints here and there.’

They sat on the beach until the stars appeared.

‘Let’s get back to the boat,’ Levi said.

‘No,’ Eren said. ‘I.. I have to process this. I’m staying here.’

Levi got up, his hand upon Eren’s shoulder. ‘That’s fine, brat.’

Eren briefly touched Levi’s hand.

‘The nights on this island are warm,’ Levi said. ‘But if you change your mind halfway the night, just keep walking with the sea on your left.’

 

An hour, maybe two after Levi had left, Eren got up and walked down the beach, the sea on his left. Once he reached the dark mass of the fishing boat, he climbed on board and went quietly into the cabin, where he found Levi asleep, and snuggled up behind him. Levi woke up a little and wriggled to get comfortable in Eren’s embrace.

‘Let’s go home,’ Eren whispered. ‘You’ve been away far too long.’

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
